I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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