got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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