I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
