if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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