And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
