I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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