once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
