I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
