I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Randomize
