everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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