Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
