I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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