this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
