it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
