The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
