btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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