Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
