Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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