I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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