I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
