Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I look better un-naked...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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