Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
