wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
