I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
