There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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