I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
