How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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