I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
