You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
