Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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