Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
