I wish you could order shots online.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
