My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
