I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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