your parents love me but you hate me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just pee around me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
