Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Randomize
