Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
