the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
