I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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