i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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