She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
