That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
