This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
