Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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