So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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