my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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