i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
