omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
