my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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