Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
